Insurance Jokes

Insurance Jokes

To see the answer, drag your mouse from one corner of the box to the opposite corner.
Q: Do you know what a woman and insurance have in common?	Answer: They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.
Q: Do you know the difference between a man and a whole life policy?	Answer: A whole life policy eventually matures
Q: Did you hear about the insurance executive that nearly died in a horseback riding accident?	Answer: He was saved when the manager of the Wal Mart finally came out and unplugged it.
Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?	Answer: None, they'll just have a CSR do it.
Q: How many CSRs does it take to change a light bulb?	Answer: Seven; one to change the bulb, and six to stand around and complain how producers do it.
Q: Why is a CSR like a mushroom?	Answer: Because they're kept in the dark, fed a lot of crap, and when they start to grow, they get canned.
Q: What do you get when you cross a monkey with a broker?	Answer: Nothing, there's some things even a monkey won't do.
Q: I asked a broker how many producers he had working for him?	Answer: He answered "about half of them".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -A drunk wanders into the lounge of a hotel where an insurance convention is being held, intent on causing trouble. He yells, "I think all insurance agents are crooks, and if anyone doesn't like it, come up and do something about it."
Immediately, a man runs up to the drunk and says, "You take that back!"
The drunk snears and replies, "Why, are you an agent?"
"No," the man replies, "I'm a crook."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -A super genius goes in to see a doctor. "Doc," the genius says, "I think I'm too smart. I'm having trouble even communicating with people because we have no common frame of reference, and it's ruining my social life. Can anything be done?"
The doctor runs a series of tests on the genius, and indeed finds that he is too smart. He says, "Currently, your IQ is 250, which is vastly superior to an average man. This is why your having trouble communicating. I do have a cure, however. I have a machine that will drain away some of your intellegence, leaving you with an IQ of 160. You'll still be a genius, but you should be able to lead a normal life as well."
The genius immediately agrees to the treatment, so the doctor straps him into the machine.
Just as the doctor turns on the device, he gets a phone call from his ex-wife. They have a heated phone conversation for several minutes before the doctor remembers his patient. He rushes back, and is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75.
The doctor says, "Are you all right?"
The former genius just stares blankly.
The doctor shakes him, saying "Say Something."
The former genius replies, "Can I interest you in an umbrella policy?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine. The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man's neck. The executioner says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the first man leaves, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man's neck. Again the Executioner says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the second man leaves, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I think I see what the problem is ... "
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Confusius Say:Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing it again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -A state adopts strict new insurance self study CE requirements for its agents. The tests they now require are very difficult, can take no more than an hour to complete, and must be taken at a certified testing center.
On the first day of the new requirements, an agent wanders into a testing center a half hour late.
"You'll never finish this test on time," the test administrator coldly states.
"Just give me the test," replies the agent, "I'll finish it.."
Skeptically, the administrator gives the agent the test.
The time limit comes and passes and yet the agent still has not completed the test. Finally, a half hour after the test time limit, the agent brings his test up to the administrator, who is correcting a large stack of tests.
"You can't turn that in," states the test administrator, "you knew there was a time limit."
"Do you know who I am?" replies the agent.
"No", says the administrator.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" the agent says more forcefully.
"No, and I really don't care" replies the administrator, slightly annoyed.
"Good," says the agent, who quickly shoves his test into the middle of the stack the administrator is correcting and walks out the door.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Confucius Say:Never argue with an idiot client. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Steve's barn burned down. Julie, his wife, called the insurance company and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
"Whoa there, just a minute, Julie, it doesn't work like that. We will assess the value of the building and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." the agent replied.
Julie, after a pause, said, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill. The doctor says to her, "I have some bad news for you. You only have three months to live." "Oh that's terrible," the woman sighs, "what am I going do?" The doctor replies, "Marry an insurance agent." "Will I live longer?" asks the woman. "No," replies the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -An agent, broker, and actuary are all caught drinking smuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia. Under Saudi law, simply possessing alcohol is an offense punishable by death.
However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.
The broker is punished first because he drank the most.
"What is your wish?", asks the saudi prince..
"I'd like to have a pillow on my back," replies the broker.
So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.
The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.
"I'd like to have two pillows on my back," boldly states the actuary.
So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.
Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn't drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.
The agent then states, "Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20."
"Your courage is impressive," states the prince. "and for your second wish?"
"Strap the actuary onto my back", replies the agent.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Halloween Jokes

Halloween Jokes

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

  

What did the skeleton say to the vampire?

You suck.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?

For the Boos.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?

He didn't have a haunting license.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite... 

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? 

With scare spray...

What is a vampires least favorite food?

Steak.

What do they teach in witching school?

Spelling.

How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?

So long sucker!

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? 

Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?

A cereal killer... 

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving? 

Fasten your sheet belts...
 

 Why was there no food left after the monster's party?

Because everybody was a-goblin!

Why was the little ghost crying?

Because he had a BOO-BOO!

What's a Vampire's favorite fruit?

NECKtarine!
 

 What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?

A Hoblin Goblin!
 

 Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts!

Why does a Mummy make a bad birthday gift?

Because he is too hard to unwrap!

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?

Ghoul-aid!!!

What is a Mummy's favorite type of music?

Wrap!!!!!

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?

He is mist.

   

What are a ghost's favorite kind of streets?

Dead ends.

What happens when two vampires meet?

It is love at first bite!

What do you call a little monsters parents?

Mummy and Deady.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?

Sour-puss.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It's a pain in the neck.

What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes?

They suck!

Ramu and Somu

Ramu : I am very very sure that the guy who just talked to me is a software engineer...

Somu : how do u say that?

Ramu : he asked my physical address instead of my home address!

Ramu : shhhh...I think the SW Engg who is sitting in the next cabin must be a farmer before ...

Somu : How do u know...?

Ramu : he asked me today that is there a way to cultivate the bit fields..!!

Computer : Please sit over the hard disk to compress the files!

Computer : please pour Engine oil in the floppy drive to enhance the performance of Search Engine.

Ramu : why people are beating that SW engg black and blue?

Somu : it seems, he asked one of them that whether "vante mataram" is new kind of RAM in the market!

Ramu : Hey.. I think that SW Engg is very very naive..

Somu : How do u say that?

Ramu : He believes that there is an Arabian Sea++ next to Arabin Sea.

Ramu : Hey.... whats time now?

Somu : System time or local time...??

Colour TV

Mr. Johny is buying a TV.

"Do you have color TVs?"

"Sure."

"Give me a green one, please."

CROCODILE BOOTS

Mr. Johny proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.

He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him

hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks

its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!"

Heaven

A Mr. Johny died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"

The Mr. Johny replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."

To Looose Weight

The doctor told Mr. Johny that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would

loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Mr. Johny called the doctor to report he had

lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm

2400 kms from home."

Hilarious

Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.


Customer : Waiter is this lamb chops or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?


Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.


Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.


Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?


Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my teacup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.


Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny?? But why aren't you laughing?


Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to
Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.


Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.


First Guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy : "You're fortunate, mine's still alive."


A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and
shouted, "Order, order"
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a
scotch and soda."


An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
How long has what been going on?' said the man.


Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.


1st thief : Oh ! The police are here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.


Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.


Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

Two Little Squirrels

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It?s my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That?s not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I?ll take the meat."

Two Morons

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

Hospital Food

Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.
Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Bill turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.
When Bill got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife,
"Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your butt.

Chuck Norris Jokes and Homour

CHUCK NORRIS JOKES AND HUMOUR

THE TOP TEN CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:

01	Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
02	Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
03	Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
04	If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
05	Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
06	When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
07	Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
08	Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
09	They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
10	A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

100 MORE CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."

Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.

When observing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Chuck Norris actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.

When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"

Chuck Norris' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

Chuck Norris never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't fucking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.