Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Insurance Jokes

Insurance Jokes
To see the answer, drag your mouse from one corner of the box to the opposite corner.
Q: Do you know what a woman and insurance have in common? Answer: They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.
Q: Do you know the difference between a man and a whole life policy? Answer: A whole life policy eventually matures
Q: Did you hear about the insurance executive that nearly died in a horseback riding accident? Answer: He was saved when the manager of the Wal Mart finally came out and unplugged it.
Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: None, they'll just have a CSR do it.
Q: How many CSRs does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Seven; one to change the bulb, and six to stand around and complain how producers do it.
Q: Why is a CSR like a mushroom? Answer: Because they're kept in the dark, fed a lot of crap, and when they start to grow, they get canned.
Q: What do you get when you cross a monkey with a broker? Answer: Nothing, there's some things even a monkey won't do.
Q: I asked a broker how many producers he had working for him? Answer: He answered "about half of them".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -A drunk wanders into the lounge of a hotel where an insurance convention is being held, intent on causing trouble. He yells, "I think all insurance agents are crooks, and if anyone doesn't like it, come up and do something about it."
Immediately, a man runs up to the drunk and says, "You take that back!"
The drunk snears and replies, "Why, are you an agent?"
"No," the man replies, "I'm a crook."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -A super genius goes in to see a doctor. "Doc," the genius says, "I think I'm too smart. I'm having trouble even communicating with people because we have no common frame of reference, and it's ruining my social life. Can anything be done?"
The doctor runs a series of tests on the genius, and indeed finds that he is too smart. He says, "Currently, your IQ is 250, which is vastly superior to an average man. This is why your having trouble communicating. I do have a cure, however. I have a machine that will drain away some of your intellegence, leaving you with an IQ of 160. You'll still be a genius, but you should be able to lead a normal life as well."
The genius immediately agrees to the treatment, so the doctor straps him into the machine.
Just as the doctor turns on the device, he gets a phone call from his ex-wife. They have a heated phone conversation for several minutes before the doctor remembers his patient. He rushes back, and is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75.
The doctor says, "Are you all right?"
The former genius just stares blankly.
The doctor shakes him, saying "Say Something."
The former genius replies, "Can I interest you in an umbrella policy?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine. The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man's neck. The executioner says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the first man leaves, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man's neck. Again the Executioner says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the second man leaves, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I think I see what the problem is ... "
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Confusius Say:Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing it again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -A state adopts strict new insurance self study CE requirements for its agents. The tests they now require are very difficult, can take no more than an hour to complete, and must be taken at a certified testing center.
On the first day of the new requirements, an agent wanders into a testing center a half hour late.
"You'll never finish this test on time," the test administrator coldly states.
"Just give me the test," replies the agent, "I'll finish it.."
Skeptically, the administrator gives the agent the test.
The time limit comes and passes and yet the agent still has not completed the test. Finally, a half hour after the test time limit, the agent brings his test up to the administrator, who is correcting a large stack of tests.
"You can't turn that in," states the test administrator, "you knew there was a time limit."
"Do you know who I am?" replies the agent.
"No", says the administrator.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" the agent says more forcefully.
"No, and I really don't care" replies the administrator, slightly annoyed.
"Good," says the agent, who quickly shoves his test into the middle of the stack the administrator is correcting and walks out the door.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Confucius Say:Never argue with an idiot client. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Steve's barn burned down. Julie, his wife, called the insurance company and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
"Whoa there, just a minute, Julie, it doesn't work like that. We will assess the value of the building and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." the agent replied.
Julie, after a pause, said, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill. The doctor says to her, "I have some bad news for you. You only have three months to live." "Oh that's terrible," the woman sighs, "what am I going do?" The doctor replies, "Marry an insurance agent." "Will I live longer?" asks the woman. "No," replies the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -An agent, broker, and actuary are all caught drinking smuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia. Under Saudi law, simply possessing alcohol is an offense punishable by death.
However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.
The broker is punished first because he drank the most.
"What is your wish?", asks the saudi prince..
"I'd like to have a pillow on my back," replies the broker.
So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.
The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.
"I'd like to have two pillows on my back," boldly states the actuary.
So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.
Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn't drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.
The agent then states, "Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20."
"Your courage is impressive," states the prince. "and for your second wish?"
"Strap the actuary onto my back", replies the agent.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Halloween Jokes

Halloween Jokes

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
You suck.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the Boos.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? 
With scare spray...

What is a vampires least favorite food?

What do they teach in witching school?

How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
So long sucker!

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? 
Because they don't have any body to go out with...
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer... 

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving? 
Fasten your sheet belts...
 Why was there no food left after the monster's party?
Because everybody was a-goblin!
Why was the little ghost crying?
Because he had a BOO-BOO!

What's a Vampire's favorite fruit?
 What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A Hoblin Goblin!
 Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts!

Why does a Mummy make a bad birthday gift?
Because he is too hard to unwrap!

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?

What is a Mummy's favorite type of music?
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.
What are a ghost's favorite kind of streets?
Dead ends.

What happens when two vampires meet?
It is love at first bite!

What do you call a little monsters parents?
Mummy and Deady.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.

What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes?
They suck!