Olmos Dunn

"Olmos Dunn" A man was heading to England and his next-door neighbor Mrs. Dunn had just sent her son Olmos off to England a week ago. He hadn't called since he was there, so she asked the man to get him to call her. She knew he was staying in a big white house so she told him that. When he arrived in England, the man asked the first person he saw for the big white house. Thinking he meant the outhouse, the Brit said, "It is in the middle of the park." So the man went to the park and saw a white house in the center. He knocked on the door and said, "Are you Olmos Dunn?" A voice came from inside, "Yeah, I just have to find the toilet paper."

Hilarious

Hilarious Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs? Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone. Customer : Waiter is this lamb chops or pork chop? Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste? Customer : No, I can't. Waiter : Then does it really matter? Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup. Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers. Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much. Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup. Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard? Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my teacup? Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller. Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter : Funny?? But why aren't you laughing? Lady : Is this my train? Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur. Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy. Wife : Do you want dinner? Husband : Sure, what are my choices? Wife : Yes and no. First Guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy : "You're fortunate, mine's still alive." A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order" The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda." An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist. My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.' How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist. How long has what been going on?' said the man. Girl : Do you love me? Boy : Yes Dear. Girl : Would you die for me? Boy : No, mine is undying love. 1st thief : Oh ! The police are here. Quick! Jump out of the window! 2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor. 1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions. Man : How old is your father? Boy : As old as me. Man : How can that be? Boy : He became a father only when I was born. Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field" Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field Teacher : How? Student : Ladies first

I'm a Photographer, Not a...

"I'm a Photographer, Not a... " A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes." Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Drinking Buddies

"Drinking Buddies" There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend. And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?" Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can." Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?" "Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained. "And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat. "Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn. ''It's a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know," urged Pat. "And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly. "Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

Deathbed Confession

"Deathbed Confession" The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous, except for the youngest one, Craig, who was nothing short of gruesome. While on his deathbed, the husband asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I Craig's father?" "Yes, honey," replied his wife. "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours." "I can die a happy man. Godbye my love." And the man peacefully passed away. Marie gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank heaven almighty he didn't ask me about the other three."

Burnt Blonde Ears

"Burnt Blonde Ears" A blonde goes to a doctor because both of her ears are burnt. "'Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor. "Well,I was ironing my clothes when I received a call and instead of picking the phone I picked up the iron and burnt my ear." "'But that's one ear - what about the other?" "The guy called again!"

Five Minutes to Midnight

"Five Minutes to Midnight" A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book. The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book and I'm 20." Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how oldshe is. The boy replies, "She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

Ugly Baby

"Ugly Baby" A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?" His wife confessed, "Not this time."

The Engineer at the Golf Course

"The Engineer at the Golf Course" A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" "Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

The Windy Day

"The Windy Day" George set out on a very windy day to see his friend Sam who was sick in bed. Hours later, he pulled his weary body into Sam's house. Sam asked him how it was. ''I'll tell ya, it was just brutal. For every step I took forewards, I fell back two steps.'' ''Then how ever did you make it over here?'' Sam asked. ''Well, finally I gave up, so I turned around and headed for home.''

Two little squirrels

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It?s my nut!" The first squirrel said, "That?s not fair! I saw it first!" "Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second. At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn?t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved." Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I?ll take the meat."

Two Morons

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms. After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground. Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping." The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

Hospital Food

"Hospital Food" Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused. Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Bill turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time. When Bill got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your butt.

Blind Man & Nuns

"Blind Man & Nuns" Nuns where repainting their chapel. They kept getting paint on their clothes so they decided to remove them, but agreed not to let ANYONE in until they were done and replaced their clothing. Then they heard some one knocking and one of them yelled, "Whooo is it?" ''The blind man!'' He yelled back. They decided since he was blind it would be all right. They opened the door and the man said, ''Nice boobs! Where do you want the blinds?"

Karate Chop

"Karate Chop" There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.'' The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,''That was a karate chop from China.'' The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ''Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!''